My World of Fiction

 If you know me at all then you know that I love and live for science fiction, fantasy, and action movies. I love all things Marvel. In fact, I have 3 marvel inspired tattoos. Another action movie saga I love is the Fast and furious franchise. These movies are my escape from reality. Even though it's just for a few hours. It's an amazing relief. I get to pretend that I'm not me for a moment. I love my family of my own creation but my past still affects me. Things that happen to you as a child affects you forever. My pain is long lasting and never ending. I have a great mother but that was never enough for me. All I ever wanted was a father. Someone to love me. I went looking for love in all the wrong places. I could never understand why I wasn't good enough to be loved. I hate hearing stories about other people and their relationship with their fathers. It was all I ever wanted. I wasn't  good enough to be loved. I don't have a sister either. I don't know why she hates me. The only reason I can come up with is that she is jealous because I'm married and I have a family. It wasn't until I became a nurse and instantly made more money than her that she took her dislike for me to the next level and we stopped talking all together. She always says that I'm bragging about my success. I mean I can't talk about myself at all? I worked really hard for what I have and I deserve to be proud of myself. The twisted part is that I have pointed her in the right direction of finding a career many times and she eventually just blew me off each time. The latest time was before I even graduated nursing school. She came to me asking if i could help her with the school stuff and even though I had 3 kids and was in nursing school I still took the time to not only sign her up for school but create her class schedule and give her access to my past assignments so she could use them as a guide. She thanked me and then about a month later she blew up on me when I asked how her class was doing. She dropped out once again and I had the nerve to say that I PRESSURED HER INTO GOING TO SCHOOL!!!!! That was so out of left field. She said I always manipulate her into going to school. WTF!!!! That's fucking INSANE!! She came to ME for help this time. And please someone tell me how is helping HER go to school and get a career manipulating HER? How is helping HER get her life together benefiting ME in any way? This bitch has officially lost her mind.

We have never really been close anyway. She is so miserable in her life that she has to hate on me. Yes, I have a husband, 3 kids, and we are homeowners but SO WHAT!!!! Having all those things is exhausting and not for the faint of heart. We can't just pick up and go whenever we want. If something goes wrong in our house it's up to us to get it fixed. Instead of being miserable and hating on me she should have just done something with her life so she can stop complaining about her crappy job all the time and how she don't make no money for real. You know what's funny. I didn't have a father EVER but she did. She had a mother and a father. Even to this day he is there for her. She calls him on the phone, spends time with him. He fixes her car, helps her out all the time. She still lives close by and see both of them all the time. I don't even know what that is like to have a father. I tried so hard until I was 9 years old which was when I finally gave up trying to get him to love me. I gave him another chance to let the past go and start over so he could be there for my kids from now on. He finally apologized for how he treated me my whole life and I thought I would finally have a dad but he just went back to the way he was. Ever since then which was like a year ago...my dislike for him turned to pure HATRED!!!! I HATE HIM WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING. I HURT SO MUCH INSIDE AND IT'S HIS FAULT. I HATE THAT I LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE HE EXISTS. I JOKE AND SAY THAT HE IS SATAN BUT HE IS SATAN. He ruined my life. My past and my future, I don't have anyone other than my mom as an extended family. 

I HATE HIM WITH EVERY OUNCE OF ME. He walking through life living a fucking lie. My skin crawls whenever my kids call him "GRANDPAW". He is NOT their grandfather and never will be. He does the same thing to them that he did to me my whole life. I hate that my mom is still in the same house as him. He doesn't deserve her and never did. I wish I could go back in time and stop her from meeting him. Even if it meant that I wouldn't exist. At least my mom would be happy. She wasted her life being with him. Maybe if she left him when I was a baby instead of suffering in silence with him then maybe I would have turned out better emotionally. Having him in the same house as me growing up made not having a father even harder to bare. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM!!!